I've got a package for you: stimulation!

Valued readers, today we face a crisis. Actually, according to the beloved media, we face a crisis every day. In Spokane, we are mired in a snowstorm that will probably kill every last one of us. That is, after it leaves every man castrated, and every woman and child without access to television or their iPod, or something else equally necessary for survival.

But this crisis is different (they all are). It's a special and unique snowflake. And, no, it doesn't involve the anti-christ who is conveniently cloaked in a man-suit. And it does not have to do with a primary election set in the worst state in the Union. 

I'm talkin' bout stimulation packages.

We are allegedly on a crash-course for a recession, and governmental officials have decided giving the American people gobs of cash is the best way to pull the U.S. out of the looming economic gloom. But I posit the proposed initiative will only hurt us before it helps. Why? Because Americans are just too dumb. 

Let's not get this twisted. I will not try to deliver impassioned rhetoric regarding the economy because I'll admit that my knowledge of the subject probably stops with supply and demand (I told you we're dumb!).

But I know a few things. I know I'm American, and I know how we operate. Sometimes we make really, really stupid choices. We vote more for American Idols than we do for American presidents. We really, really like unprotected and underage sex. We love our American past times: baseball, apple pie and drunk driving. And we hate to make rational financial decisions.

If you give us an inch, we'll take a mile. And that goes for the government, as well. A financial stimulation package is proposed to jump start the economy.  Great, a couple hundo-billion dollars will do the trick — right? Not so fast. The Senate (naturally) wants to tack on billions more dollars for the elderly and working poor so they can buy more Pinochle cards and flannel clothing, respectively. 

Brilliant.

Ahh, yes. America, home of the "stimulation package." Not a form of male enhancement. No, instead, evidence of our government's ongoing bout with mental retardation.

Dave Chappelle did a wonderful skit on his show (I can't link the video because Youtube is tyrannical) about similar monetary compensation (reparations), before he lost his mind and after he realized how illogical American consumerism really is. And although he only offers commentary on minority spending habits, the piece really is a remarkable observation on America as a whole. Chappelle facetiously ponders how blacks would use their financial compensation: on SUVs, watermelon, alcohol, etc. 

But is the rest of our country much different? Isn't irrational consumerism colorblind? 

We want clothing and televisions and shoes and video games other "necessities." We want products that are manufactured overseas and therefore benefit other countries, too. 

Reports estimate the average American would receive between $800 and $1,500, depending on their specific income bracket and the amount of children they have. Since I am relatively financially independent and, therefore, poor, I expect to receive about $900. 

So what to buy? How about a new pair of basketball shorts (the ones I'm currently wearing are made in Indonesia)? Maybe I should upgrade my Nokia phone (Finland)? Oh, I know!  How about a flat-screen TV (unless its a Zenith, pick any Asian country, literally).

For this package to fully experience the fruit of its loins, Americans need to buy locally. This seems like a dim observation, but sometimes simple people need simple directions. If you've had car trouble lately, please go to a local auto shop for repairs. Yes, some of the parts they use are from overseas, but the labor (which is what costs the most) is American (...usually). Use the money to stock up on groceries (from American farms, please). Get ahead on your rent, mortgage or utilities bills. Buy a Dodge Stratus. But hold off on the PSP or boots made of Italian leather. If you need to be impractical, at least buy some Jack Daniels whiskey or something.

You get the picture. Hopefully. 

Most domestic services are married to foreign goods — its almost unavoidable — but buying domestically from a domestic service is better than just purchasing a product from China or Taiwan. The idea here is to spend, and to use the money on our national products. Do not save the money for a rainy day. Your $867.53 check is not helping our slumping economy when its hidden underneath your mattress. 

I understand the idea behind the strategy our noble representatives are trying to implement. And I shouldn't have to repeat it, but I will: Invest in the economy, and hopefully it literally pays off. But in order for it to work, you must spend (although you won't have to ask most of us twice) and you have to buy U.S. products and/or services. 

Here's hoping this blog was as stimulating as your financial package should be.

...Also, I will put my political chops to the test when I blog about Super Tuesday. I know I could offer my thoughts on today's apparently decisive primary in Florida. But I won't. I hate the state that much.